I hold still under you,
Petrified, heart pounding.
I fantasized about my first time,
The loss of my precious virginity.
This is not what I had imagined.
You quicken your thrusts,
Your face buried in my neck.
You lean down to deliver a sloppy kiss,
It’s awkward, also my first.
You quicken the speed.
I focus on the sound of skin on skin.
Two minutes, zero orgasms,
Finally, you’re done.
When it’s over, once you’ve finished,
I lay still, shaking, nervous.
My breath catches,
My heart races,
My stomach turns.
Guilt racks me at the good man I hurt
By letting you pile drive me in my bed.
Later, once you’ve left,
I kneel by the toilet and vomit up my guilt.
How could I have done this? I wonder.
I wanted to be experienced, ready for my man.
How could I have betrayed you so?
Loyalty was always my motto.
I did not believe in cheating and now,
Here I am, a liar and a slut.
My heart quickens and I’m sick all over again.
I feel my soul shattering as I type the message to crush
The man I had promised my virtue and my heart to.
I’m sorry, I think desperately as I clutch the porcelain seat.
Sweat drips down my face as my stomach cartwheels.
Bile rises in my throat as I see your message notification.
I hate myself, I think as my heart sinks into the pit of my stomach
And I wonder if I have lost you forever, for good.
My pulse quickens again as I finally, cowardly, open your message.
Dread consumes me. I close my eyes, scared to look at your words.
Finally, I crack my eyes and face what I have done,
Barely holding the panic attack at bay.