via Quicken

 

I hold still under you,

Petrified, heart pounding.

I fantasized about my first time,

The loss of my precious virginity.

This is not what I had imagined.

You quicken your thrusts,

Your face buried in my neck.

You lean down to deliver a sloppy kiss,

It’s awkward, also my first.

You quicken the speed.

I focus on the sound of skin on skin.

Two minutes, zero orgasms,

Finally, you’re done.

When it’s over, once you’ve finished,

I lay still, shaking, nervous.

My breath catches,

My heart races,

My stomach turns.

Guilt racks me at the good man I hurt

By letting you pile drive me in my bed.

Later, once you’ve left,

I kneel by the toilet and vomit up my guilt.

How could I have done this? I wonder.

I wanted to be experienced, ready for my man.

How could I have betrayed you so?

Loyalty was always my motto.

I did not believe in cheating and now,

Here I am, a liar and a slut.

My heart quickens and I’m sick all over again.

I feel my soul shattering as I type the message to crush

The man I had promised my virtue and my heart to.

I’m sorry, I think desperately as I clutch the porcelain seat.

Sweat drips down my face as my stomach cartwheels.

Bile rises in my throat as I see your message notification.

I hate myself, I think as my heart sinks into the pit of my stomach

And I wonder if I have lost you forever, for good.

My pulse quickens again as I finally, cowardly, open your message.

Dread consumes me. I close my eyes, scared to look at your words.

Finally, I crack my eyes and face what I have done,

Barely holding the panic attack at bay.

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