On the phone, we sit in terrible silence,
The only sound, the breathlessness of my sobs.
Pain ricochets inside of me,
Constricting my heart uncomfortably,
Forcing out my tears in hot streaks.
Regret consumes me as the dark thoughts return.
You say nothing at first, as you listen
To the gasps and squeaks that escape my lips.
Finally, the silence breaks,
And I latch onto the sound of your voice.
“I love you, baby,” are your only words.
Frozen, paralyzed, I’m slow to react.
This is not what I had expected.
“I hate you, bitch,” is what I was anticipating.
We’re done, over, through.
I expected those break-up words
That would crush my soul and destroy me.
Instead, you surprise me by spilling your heart.
“We’re meant for each other,” you say, full of feeling,
As I continue to sob on the other end of the phone.
I am ridiculously in love with you,
But I never imagined you felt the same way.
Late at night, when only the stars are lurking,
I think of what a future with you could be like.
I want it, but it seemed impossible
Until you uttered those four words.
I love you, baby.
I love you, baby.
I love you.
“I love you, too,” I whisper back, afraid to raise my voice.
My voice cracks and a new wave of tears melts down my cheeks.
“I’m coming for you,” you tell me. “Wait for me?”
“Always,” I reply, your words echoing in my ears.
The suicidal thoughts subside, and with them the urge to cut.
I’m coming for you. I smile as I crawl into bed to wait.
Always, had been my answer.
I will always wait for you, my love.
The tears sneak out of closed eyelids
As I squeeze my teddy bear to my chest.
I think of the day you gave me the teddy bear,
My first-ever Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend.
I think of your face, your smile, as you hand me the bear.
My thoughts drift to the adoration in your eyes
I can see right before you kiss me.
When you kiss me, my body knows it’s safe.
When you touch me, protectively, possessively,
I need to know where you’ve been my whole life.
When you look at me, I know I’m finally home.